So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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