haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
