Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
