if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
