When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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