this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
soo... how was my night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
