The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
