Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
