Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
