Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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