it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
