saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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