Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
