My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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