A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just pynch a tree in the face
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
