At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
