so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
