Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
