I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
