in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
