Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
