you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
