So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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