i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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