I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
