just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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