he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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