my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You're like the curious george of whores
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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