Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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