And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
