i permit you to call me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
