Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
