Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
