Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
