I just gift wrapped bread.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
