I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
