This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
