You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
