So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
