sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
