just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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