I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
