I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
