He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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