Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
