Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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