im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
