Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
