Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
