I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
