rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
