Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
