this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
