I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's the barista slut.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
